I don’t even know if I can articulate well enough the horror that was my rematch with Police Officer on Friday. It was last minute, it was brief, but it was torturous. As painful as it is, I will go back in time to re-visit this event for your reading (dis)pleasure.
After texting back and forth a few times during the day on Friday, I decided that I could spare a very short amount of time to meet up after work that day before I headed out of the city for the weekend. I figured it would kill two birds with one stone and allow for a meet-up that was forced to be brief, and would let traffic ease a little. Plus he was cute and seemed nice. So I agreed. We met near where I work for a quick drink on a patio (alcohol, so previous concern alleviated), where he knew my time constraint from the beginning. From about two minutes in, the red flags started flying. If I was a bull, all that red would have sent me totally loco.
In a nutshell, this guy is obsessed with being a police officer and in turn thinks that everyone else is as well and holds them on a pedestal. This includes me. All of this was illustrated quite painfully for the next 40 minutes that followed after greeting each other. (It lasted 40 minutes cause dude order two beers at once and the moment that last drop was gone I bounced quicker than a criminal fleeing the scene.) First it was the reference to where he parked and how he needed to put money in the meter – “Usually we* just put our badge info in the windshield and we can park wherever we want. But nah, I’m not sure about this particular area so just incase. Could get some rookie.” He made several references to rookies, as greying at the temples (which I found quite attractive when we met) and clearly at least mid- 30’s, a rookie he was not. *Please note the use of ‘we’. It was a very common theme used in every sentence, referring to police officers as a whole.
And it snowballed from there. He talked non-stop for the majority of the time, just randomly and incessantly dropping information about all-things police related, almost as if picking up a conversation out of mid-air. I was lost for energy, lost for words, and in total disbelief so I just stared through my sunglasses dumbfounded at how someone can be so clueless.
Some particular highlights, and these are direct quotes as I put them right into my phone after I left so I wouldn’t forget. I kid you not:
- I’m looking around a lot. I don’t want you to think it is because I am checking out other girls – why would I? You’re beautiful – but it is a habit to always look around and know our surroundings. I am constantly looking around. It’s second nature. (I never noticed.)
- It’s like when someone calls in a 1330 – oh sorry, that’s when another police officer calls for help and…
- Ya so we undergo extreme psychological testing because it’s very important for us as officers of the law to… (Clearly confidence was not an area you lacked in when the test results came back!)
- I’m not saying we’re God but when I’m telling someone to drop their gun or get outta the car, they need to listen. You see this uniform, and you listen. (At this point I am screaming in my head “WTF!?” and wishing I could be recording this. Also wondering if I was on candid camera)
- When I’m at work I only use my head. When someone’s shooting at you, it’s all head. But when I’m outside work, I only use my heart. I’ve got a big heart, you got to take chances. You will notice I am direct. Which is why I called you.
- You’ll see that I always choose to sit somewhere with my back to the wall. We all do. We need to know our surroundings, it is all part of our training. Like even sitting here I feel a little exposed but this was the only spot on the patio free so I though okay, I can compromise. (Calm down Jason Bourne.)
- So, what was your first impression of me last night? (Clearly fishing for compliments, so I just said “I don’t know. What are you looking for here exactly?” That was not what he was looking for in an answer, so the subject was changed to what comes next)
- There’s cops, and then there’s traffic cops.
- We go places, we don’t pay cover. But we need to be careful where we go because we never know the crowd there. That’s why I don’t really show my badge or let people know what I do, I like to keep that to myself and just be a regular guy. (“Right, just like when you dropped your wallet open in my face to show me your badge? I don’t remember that taking any prompting at all, so…?” Subject got changed like I didn’t say anything and he moved on.)
- I may go to Niagara this weekend. (Niagara’s fun, you should.) Well, maybe I can take you there for a weekend when you get back from your trip. (I laugh, make a face and say let’s not jump the shark here. Inside I am scared.)
I could go on and on, but I hope you get the picture. Like I said these were some gems that I squirreled away on the way home, but there were so many more. It was ridiculous. I called the waitress over for the cheque, we started walking and I headed out in a different direction refusing the company for the walk home, stating that I was in a hurry and had a stop to make. He went in for a hug, and I heard a distinct sniffing sound near my ear. He was smelling me. He told me I smelled really nice. Do I remember him telling me that I smelled nice the evening before? No, I told you, I was drunk. I started to walk away, he lingered to make conversation and kept moving in closer despite me moving away in fear he was going in for a kiss. Usually I would just deal with it, but this time I would have made a scene. He told me about six times that the ball was in my court, what his work schedule was, if I want to get together with him to contact him when I got back, but he’ll leave the ball in my court, etc. I get it, the ball is in my court. Naturally I hit that ball right the heck out of my court as soon as it touched the ground. I don’t want your balls at all!
Needless to say I am not contacting him and hope to never have to suffer with his presence again, but have left his number in my phone to serve as caller ID. Word to the wise: Play on this side of the law folks, you never know just who lurks behind that uniform.
After texting back and forth a few times during the day on Friday, I decided that I could spare a very short amount of time to meet up after work that day before I headed out of the city for the weekend. I figured it would kill two birds with one stone and allow for a meet-up that was forced to be brief, and would let traffic ease a little. Plus he was cute and seemed nice. So I agreed. We met near where I work for a quick drink on a patio (alcohol, so previous concern alleviated), where he knew my time constraint from the beginning. From about two minutes in, the red flags started flying. If I was a bull, all that red would have sent me totally loco.
In a nutshell, this guy is obsessed with being a police officer and in turn thinks that everyone else is as well and holds them on a pedestal. This includes me. All of this was illustrated quite painfully for the next 40 minutes that followed after greeting each other. (It lasted 40 minutes cause dude order two beers at once and the moment that last drop was gone I bounced quicker than a criminal fleeing the scene.) First it was the reference to where he parked and how he needed to put money in the meter – “Usually we* just put our badge info in the windshield and we can park wherever we want. But nah, I’m not sure about this particular area so just incase. Could get some rookie.” He made several references to rookies, as greying at the temples (which I found quite attractive when we met) and clearly at least mid- 30’s, a rookie he was not. *Please note the use of ‘we’. It was a very common theme used in every sentence, referring to police officers as a whole.
And it snowballed from there. He talked non-stop for the majority of the time, just randomly and incessantly dropping information about all-things police related, almost as if picking up a conversation out of mid-air. I was lost for energy, lost for words, and in total disbelief so I just stared through my sunglasses dumbfounded at how someone can be so clueless.
Some particular highlights, and these are direct quotes as I put them right into my phone after I left so I wouldn’t forget. I kid you not:
- I’m looking around a lot. I don’t want you to think it is because I am checking out other girls – why would I? You’re beautiful – but it is a habit to always look around and know our surroundings. I am constantly looking around. It’s second nature. (I never noticed.)
- It’s like when someone calls in a 1330 – oh sorry, that’s when another police officer calls for help and…
- Ya so we undergo extreme psychological testing because it’s very important for us as officers of the law to… (Clearly confidence was not an area you lacked in when the test results came back!)
- I’m not saying we’re God but when I’m telling someone to drop their gun or get outta the car, they need to listen. You see this uniform, and you listen. (At this point I am screaming in my head “WTF!?” and wishing I could be recording this. Also wondering if I was on candid camera)
- When I’m at work I only use my head. When someone’s shooting at you, it’s all head. But when I’m outside work, I only use my heart. I’ve got a big heart, you got to take chances. You will notice I am direct. Which is why I called you.
- You’ll see that I always choose to sit somewhere with my back to the wall. We all do. We need to know our surroundings, it is all part of our training. Like even sitting here I feel a little exposed but this was the only spot on the patio free so I though okay, I can compromise. (Calm down Jason Bourne.)
- So, what was your first impression of me last night? (Clearly fishing for compliments, so I just said “I don’t know. What are you looking for here exactly?” That was not what he was looking for in an answer, so the subject was changed to what comes next)
- There’s cops, and then there’s traffic cops.
- We go places, we don’t pay cover. But we need to be careful where we go because we never know the crowd there. That’s why I don’t really show my badge or let people know what I do, I like to keep that to myself and just be a regular guy. (“Right, just like when you dropped your wallet open in my face to show me your badge? I don’t remember that taking any prompting at all, so…?” Subject got changed like I didn’t say anything and he moved on.)
- I may go to Niagara this weekend. (Niagara’s fun, you should.) Well, maybe I can take you there for a weekend when you get back from your trip. (I laugh, make a face and say let’s not jump the shark here. Inside I am scared.)
I could go on and on, but I hope you get the picture. Like I said these were some gems that I squirreled away on the way home, but there were so many more. It was ridiculous. I called the waitress over for the cheque, we started walking and I headed out in a different direction refusing the company for the walk home, stating that I was in a hurry and had a stop to make. He went in for a hug, and I heard a distinct sniffing sound near my ear. He was smelling me. He told me I smelled really nice. Do I remember him telling me that I smelled nice the evening before? No, I told you, I was drunk. I started to walk away, he lingered to make conversation and kept moving in closer despite me moving away in fear he was going in for a kiss. Usually I would just deal with it, but this time I would have made a scene. He told me about six times that the ball was in my court, what his work schedule was, if I want to get together with him to contact him when I got back, but he’ll leave the ball in my court, etc. I get it, the ball is in my court. Naturally I hit that ball right the heck out of my court as soon as it touched the ground. I don’t want your balls at all!
Needless to say I am not contacting him and hope to never have to suffer with his presence again, but have left his number in my phone to serve as caller ID. Word to the wise: Play on this side of the law folks, you never know just who lurks behind that uniform.
Considering moving on to Purilator delivery guys (I'll take a brown uniform over the blue ones),
Pam
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